This is story written in and it is about the big decision the writer had to make just before her wedding. What would you do if the decision you had to make just before your wedding could change things forever?

It’s taken me so long to articulate my journey on paper. My thoughts now are “just write”. “Just write and the experiences will flow from your heart through your hands unto the sheet”.

Where could be the possible best place to start? Some would say the beginning but is there really a beginning? The beginning I can think of is my background growing up, my experiences growing up but that would be too intense and I may lose track of the main purpose of telling my story. Not to worry, I would infuse a bit about my background as I go along to help you put certain things into perspective.

For a long time, I had put this off because wasn’t sure what I’ll find deep within. If I’ll feel the hurt as freshly as I did when I saw the pain in his eyes or if I’ll feel free and liberated as I now feel and have felt since the split.

Okay… so if this were a movie, I’ll be considered the “bad guy” or “the heart breaker”. When you are done with my story, you’ll either hate my guts or you’ll respect my journey. That I will leave to you the reader.

—-

It was an evening just like most only that this was different. It was December and It wasn’t that the holidays were near or that I had heard some great news. For some reason, I was happy. I felt free and one would think these feelings are basic but for me they weren’t. I only had bouts of happiness that never lasted a whole day but prior to that day, I never really could comprehend why. On this evening, there was one more feeling that filled my chest that I didnt quite understand. I had never felt it before. It was like there was an untamed fiery force inside my chest which almost felt like a ball of energy and that force was nudging me to do just one thing. It was nudging me to surrender the struggle and to embrace peace. That same evening, I did. 

—-

You must be wondering what I’m going on about right?  Well… just stay with me on this one. But first let me give a little background about myself to help you perhaps with your imagination of the sort of person who is behind these words. 

About me: I’m your typical “good girl”. The child who lives her life to please her parents. For some reason which I cannot understand, I sought to make my parents proud of me all the time. I was the kind of child who was an introvert. Never clubbed, was a worker in church -the type that gets to church before churchcommences because to treat the house of God any less than an office would be a disrespect to God. These days, being a Christian doesn’t count for much amidst all the shenanigans displayed by the church as a whole. Back then, I don’t think I even saw my devotion as being extra ordinary. I was only being myself and loving God the way my heart wanted to. So, in a nutshell… that was me.

—-

About him: He was a remarkable young man. He was a “good boy” and he loved God. He loved his family and he loved mine. He was the son his parents had a soft spot (who wouldn’t?) he was kind. The sort of man you would want to settle down with. Professionally, he was doing quite well and held a lot of potential. A classmate once joked about having him if I wasn’t interested.

About us: We grew up together. I had known him since primary school. We were neighbours till my family moved to another location. Those days, there were no mobile phones and so we lost touch.

And as fate (at least that was what I thought back then) would have it, we both end up in the same secondary school. We were the perfect couple because we had the perfect story -You know… friends for over a decade, our families loved and adored the relationship, friends loved how we looked like together. We were certainly picture perfect. The only problem was that in reality and when we didn’t have the world looking at us, when we were by ourselves, our relationship was lacking in something. We weren’t happy. We were both hurting privately and I knew that his unhappiness was because of us. We loved each other but for some reason, I wasn’t able to love him fully. I could at best only love him like I loved my brother.  I did try.

I wasn’t looking for butterflies. I don’t think I was and he wasn’t the first boy I had been with and so I knew there could be more. I knew I was capable of feeling more but I wasn’t sure why I just wasn’t able to feel that with him.

—-

That evening, I felt invisible. With the intensity of the force brewing on the inside of me, I knew in that moment what needed to be done and just how to do it. I knew what I needed to do and it was to break-off my engagement 2 months before we the D-Day. I know what you are thinking. “Shit!” or perhaps if your mouth isn’t as foul as mine, you’ve gone “OMG!”. Yes I did. I had to, I had to save us both from a marriage of misery – at least that was what I told myself. Prior tonthat evening, I was that child who didn’t mind living a script even if it were at my own detriment so long as my family was pleased. But not that day. That evening, I had developed a certain courage that would allow me rebel against own natural dispensation to conform or bow to societal pressures. For the first time, I simply followed my heart and did what it wanted. For the first time in a long time, I chose myself and my happiness.

I wasn’t looking for butterflies. I don’t think I was and he wasn’t the first boy I had been with and so I knew there could be more. I knew I was capable of feeling more but I wasn’t sure why I just wasn’t able to feel that with him.

—-

That evening, I felt invisible. With the intensity of the force brewing on the inside of me, I knew in that moment what needed to be done and just how to do it. I knew what I needed to do and it was to break-off my engagement and my relationship of 7 years only 2 months before the D-Day. I know what you are thinking. “Shit!” or perhaps if your mouth isn’t as foul as mine, you’ve gone “OMG!”. Yes I did. I had to, I had to save us both from a marriage of misery – at least that was what I told myself. Prior to that evening, I was that child who didn’t mind living a script even if it were at my own detriment so long as my family was pleased. But not that day. That evening, I had developed a certain courage that would allow me rebel against own natural inclination to conform or bow to societal pressures. For the first time, I simply followed my heart and did what it wanted. For the first time in a long time, I chose myself and my happiness. 

——Continues on Friday by 12pm.