I’ve read in a couple of articles written by Nigerian authors where they make bold insinuates about a woman based on how she responds to a man who is interested in courting her. I’ve read things like if a lady says yes immediately then she has self esteem issues, is desperate or just doesn’t know what she wants. I find it hard to understand why people will come to that conclusion. Guys correct me if I’m wrong, from where I stand, for a rational guy to ask a lady out he must have collected enough ‘data’ to enable him decide that she’s the one he wants to be with. While the guy was doing this, what do we think the lady was doing? Isn’t she a rational being like the guy? Isn’t it possible that she must have also been collecting ‘data’ during their interactions enough to have come up with a decision by the time the guy asks her out? In this case I don’t quite see the basis for concluding that she is ‘cheap’ just because she comes up with an affirmative answer upon being asked.
In fact, if we are to argue that the lady should not be saying yes so easily then we might as well conclude that the guy has a problem for asking a lady out so soon when he hasn’t spent enough time getting to know her and decide if she’s the one he wants to be with. Because if he knows her enough to go for her then she should know him enough to give him a yes.
As a lady, I can say it’s not rocket science detecting whether or not a guy is interested in you. 9 and half out of 10 times when I felt that way I happened to be right. So let’s assume girl meets guy, they get talking and she detects he might be interested in a relationship with her, that should valuable information which will then determine the way she relates with the guy going forward. She should begin to assess him to see if she likes him back and if she will like to pursue the kind of relationship he wants with her. She can then have the leverage to lead him on or dissuade him depending on what she wants out of her interactions with the guy. I’ve had guys complain that ladies lead them on when they are not interested and that they just keep guys hanging around them when they are not interested. Well if the girl is not supposed to be thinking about how she will like for her relationship to play out with the guy during their initial interaction then how is she to then prevent from leading him on if it happens that she is not interested? My point here is that calling a lady cheap, desperate, etc because she said yes straight away implies that she should have been thinking about what she wants from the relationship with the guy until he asks her out. That’s just not practical.
Let’s assume a lady having known a guy during their interactions, decides she will like to be with him if he is interested, I don’t see the point in not giving a yes at the point when the guy asks her out if she is so inclined. If we still want to argue that she is desperate then shouldn’t the guy have seen that desperation prior to asking and enough to know not to ask her out? Shouldn’t the question we ask here be: why would a guy ask a girl out when he doesn’t want a straight up answer? Also, what exactly is this delay in saying yes for?
I had this conversation with my male cousin and he said that guys like the chase, so because of that, if the lady says yes straight away then she appears to be cheap. My take on this is that if guys have this need then they should deal with it within themselves and not subject ladies to meeting this need. It is not our responsibility to meet this ‘need to chase’ there are so many things out there to be chased and not women. Guys like challenges so when they chase this or that and they finally get it, it gives them some sense of achievement like they have won something. If that’s the case then look for something else to chase, I just don’t think it’s right to put the burden of meeting that need on women. Women, like men are also rational and have feelings so we need to consider that before we draw our conclusions on them.
What response then do ladies get when they say No straight away? I’ve heard a couple: oohh, she’s playing hard to get; she’s making ‘shakara’; and some even go on to make the generalisation that when a lady says No what she really means is Yes. There is really no winning with this. I’ll say rather than play games, cut to the chase and say what you want.
Now I know I’ve said a lot so at this point it is necessary to clarify what I am not saying. There are guys that will ask a lady out whom they know nothing about, simply because she looks attractive, in those cases whether the girl says yes or no right away it is clear that the guy himself has his own issues.
I am not saying that the answer that should come from a lady should always be yes or no. It can well be ‘give me sometime to think about it’ or ‘let’s get to know ourselves more’ or however inclined the lady might be. The point I am making is that it is wrong to draw negative conclusions on a lady just because she said yes immediately she was asked.
I am also not saying that a lady should go around developing feelings for a guy just because they feel the guy likes her and he’s a cool guy to be with. A relationship involves two people and if a lady is in a place where during her interactions with the guy she develops feelings for him but the guy is not forth coming then really she needs to acknowledge that her feelings are not reciprocated and let go of them. I know that this is a tough thing to do but it needs doing. As a lady you need to protect yourself and your feelings. If you suspect a guy likes you and you like him back, you must still keep your emotions in check until he clearly and categorically makes his intentions known to you and they happen to be in line with how you feel for him. Don’t let your emotions go just like that because what is at the end of that road might be a hurtful and unpleasant experience. Two people need to be happily and fully involved in a relationship for it to work so when the other party has not made himself clear please do not start letting your feelings go based on your assumption that he likes you. I know us ladies like to fantasize and create pictures but we need to put that in check. Don’t assume that a guy’s actions mean what they do not mean.
I will end by saying that if a guy is acting like he wants to be with you but then does not say anything, you need to speak to him about this. Let him know that the way he is acting towards you (present the evidence) makes it hard for you to be friends with him so in the interest of your friendship he needs to refrain from doing those things that are suggestive. If you have feelings for him, I do not think it is wise or necessary to tell him how you feel about him while doing this.
By Biebele Alex-hart
Nice one….well most guys and I mean 99% like to be the chaser. So might already be in a serious relationship and will just not want to come out right to ask another lady to be thier side chic.i strongly advice ladies to keep doing thier thing, play lil hard to get…if a man needs a woman in his life he surely will chase her and let his intentions known….even if shes a married woman…if he isnt bold enuff to spell out his feelings then it means ur beauty hasnt cast a spell on him yet..
Ok before I pull over….most ladies always say NO when they mean YES…or even when they say I dont know thats a clear YES.
My take on this subject is ladies are the cause of their own problems. As you confirm whatever answer is given guys always have something to say: YES-she’s cheap, NO- Shes forming. Again most guys conclusion of a No or Let me think about it being a Yes is because of the consistency in result from ladies response, so again its back to the ladies. They can make this right by just saying a Yes or No just as they mean it. Leave the interpretationa for now and over time it will all come together. Mean your YES or NO when you say it and guys will eventually have a singular thought about your response. Simple and short solution- Honesty and Humility
First, I think if a guy is acting like he wants to be with you but then does not say anything, you DONT need to speak to him about it. Second, the reason for not immediately saying YES to a guy goes beyond “forming” or not wanting to appear cheap. Not immediately saying yes gives a girl time to really determine if the guy is serious. Some guys just ask a gal out for the fun of it. But a guy that is willing to keep chasing you for months MAY show a level of seriousness. This may not be the case all the time. But it works.
Not every guy likes the ‘chase’. Ladies are not hens, neither are we cocks, and this isn’t chicken run. A relationship can be seen as a partnership, both parties WORK together to make it work. Thse chase often means the guy relaxes afterwards, and moves on to the next conquest, until, like Alexander the Great, has nothing left to conquer. The pre-relationship phase should be platonic friendship, which could end up in dating, and then a relationship….the variable is how long that friendship could last, and how the boundaries are defined. At the end of the day, there aren’t any rules that cover all circumstances, and all relationships.