The first time I saw a memory box was in a family member’s home, this was a child we all anticipated and made plans around her birth, I just couldn’t understand that all we had was the box. My feelings were misplaced, I immediately swung into cooking. What do you say to the parent that had ordered a year worth of supply for their unborn kid, that had bought furnitures, moved things around to accommodate the birth of their baby? What the hell do you say, when they show you the box?

I could feel the heaviness of the pain in their silence, there were no words, not one, as we scrolled through the pictures of the baby we have come to love before she got here but did not have he chance to hold

It was year later, a friend reached out to me on her loss as well and there I was again with no right words…there are just no words.

And a year after that, I would experience my own loss. My heart skips a bit as I type because this is the first time I am reaching out to the emotions I felt.

It started the day I was casually lying on the rug in my living room and my daughter screamed, I got up immediately and I dropped to the ground, my husband rushed towards me asking what had happened? I couldn’t explain, I was up, now on the floor. He just said ‘I think you are pregnant, I laughed at the joke. We would later confirm that I was indeed pregnant. I had just started getting used to the fact of another baby then it got complicated really quick.

It started with a little spotting here and there, pains I couldn’t explain, I have had two kids or have I forgotten already what it felt like being pregnant? The doctor confirmed that I was still pregnant. The bleeding became more and more. I wanted to hold on to the pregnancy, I did not really want to go to the hospital, I did not want them to tell me what I already kind of knew, but had refused to accept.

I finally braved it to the hospital and after the check ,the doctor said “I am sorry you have lost the pregnancy” I cried!!!! and as i type i still cry, I was already excited about this child I haven’t met, this nine weeks pregnancy without a bump. No this was not my first, neither was it my second, this could have been my third.

I guess the way I cried made the doctor’s assistance ask if it was my first? No I answered. It is not my first, it is not even my second but I just experienced a loss, a loss of a baby, my baby that I would never hold and no one, not one person had the right words. it was a feeling i couldn’t understand… Did I have the right the mourn, would anyone understand this pain, does my mourning make me sound ungrateful for the other kids I already have.

Loss is always going to be loss, it cannot be quantified, it cannot be explained away, it is personal and can only be interpreted by you…

I am not sure about the loss you have gone through, two week, three weeks, a new born baby, the failed IVF, the failed adoption process, I don’t have the right words and I can only pray you find peace.